Memoirs of a Wild Biologist - Chapter 2: Sassing (the) Ted Turner

During the summer of 2004, Grand Canyon National Park Service, to include the Superintendent of Grand Canyon National Park, entertained potential Park Service Foundation donors on a Grand Canyon Colorado River trip. The purpose of the trip was to show these guests the amazing splendor of the River and Canyon in hopes of raising money to help protect and preserve Grand Canyon. One of the Park Service guests was the one and only Ted Turner. As a professional ornithologist, I was on a concurrent river trip collecting bird data for Grand Canyon Monitoring and Research Station (GCMRC) based in Flagstaff, AZ.

The bird research trip I was on included three guides to row us down the river, myself and two women volunteer bird watchers who happened to have beautiful red hair (this will become pertinent later). One the second day of our river trip, early in the morning (birds get up very early hence we do) our group encountered the Grand Canyon National Park Service trip. The guides for the park asked if I would give a short talk about birds and the purpose of the bird research in the Canyon to which I agreed. We decided to rendezvous in a shady nook downstream for lunch later that day. In all honesty, I really do not like speaking to groups and this was a group of heavy hitters, Ted Turner, superintendent of Grand Canyon National Park, Teddy Roosevelt IV.... And you betcha, I was nervous! All morning I fretted about what to say, sweated, paced.... tried to remain somewhat calm.

In the mean time, unbeknownst to me, the boat carrying the red-headed beauties up river behind me encountered the Park Service boats and Ted Turner. The red heads account of this encounter goes something like this: Mr. Turner’s boat approached theirs and he proceeded to ask them in his raspy voice “Hey ladies, do you know what my favorite bird is?” They asked shyly “what’s that?” His answer “A red-headed, double-breasted mattress-thrasher” ha ha ha. First all of, this “bird” isn’t an original “sighting” and a bit inappropriate perhaps? But I loved it!!! I’m a bit irreverent myself and got a good laugh. Ah ha, however, having prior knowledge of this comment before I met up with the Park Service for my talk, I decided to think of a “come back” just in case my chance arrived.

Our river trip reached the destination for the talk, the guides begin to set up for lunch, I begin to sweat and pace even harder! Park Service boat sightings upstream, this is going to happen soon, oh shit! The boats pull in, tie bow lines, people dispersed for my talk sitting in the shade of the tamarisk trees. Breathe, Helen, breathe. Teddy Roosevelt IV dawns a fly fishing rod as I begin to talk nervously in front of the high powered group. I actually had to duck the swing of his fishing rod, nice start. I calmed a bit after a few moments, even had a funny comment or two (don’t remember), the talk was over. Superintendent of Grand Canyon asked a technical question which I actually knew the answer to, we disperse for lunch. Ahhhhh, it’s over, relax, breathe.

Ah, but no, Mr. Turner calls me over to him and his assistant. I approach confidently and had an idea of what he was going to say. And guess what? Yep, his question “Hey Helen, guess what my favorite bird is?” I cocked my head innocently and asked “what’s that?” His answer “A red-headed, double-breasted mattress-thrasher”. I responded innocently, “really?” Well guess what my favorite bird is?” He was a bit taken back that I was so quick on the draw. I lowered my sunglasses so he could see my eyes as I replied “A giant, red-headed WOODCOCK” (the giant red-headed part was an embellishment, an American Woodcock is an actual bird). “But the ones that migrate through here are usually only about this big” (I put my thumb and finger out to exhibit a two inch measurement). Mr. Turner was speechless, has assistant’s only comment was “she got you!”.

So you see, I’m a bit sassy. Thank you Mr. Turner for a wonderful and memorable interaction!!

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